This is one of many Fear Confessions in which creatives share personal stories about facing their fears. Let’s celebrate vulnerability with Kasey Kuchinski as she shares her fear that being herself won’t be good enough.
What am I afraid of? HA!!
When Krystle asked me to write a fear confession I literally laughed out loud. Let me explain. I’m kind of neurotic (and by kind of I mean really, really). Basically I have a lot of what people like to call “irrational fears.” Some, I agree, are a bit unreasonable. Butterflies, for instance, probably won’t suck my soul out through my eyeballs, but one can never be too careful. Other fears, however, I don’t think are that strange. I’m convinced they’re simply human nature.
I’m going to talk about something that’s been nagging me, and probably holding me back a lot as I’m building my little business. It’s a fear that I’m fairly certain is rooted in another problem we all face as humans – the battle against low self-esteem.
I’m pretty sure that most people struggle with the need to be accepted, but more than that I fear that people won’t accept what I do. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten past caring about what people think of me, but that’s bullshit – I totally care, I just like to tell myself I don’t. Right now, I’m learning how to trust myself in my designs and work. And jeez, it’s really hard.
There’s something terrible about taking out what’s inside of you and laying it out for every eye to gawk at. I HATE launching a new collection. I HATE putting up a new item on Instagram. I get this awful-twisty-knotty grip in my body that tells me not to. It says: Keep it to yourself. You like it. Isn’t that enough? Just store it in the closet and never show anyone, because then they can’t tell you it isn’t good. But that’s not the point, right? Why make art if you can’t share it? The whole point of art is sharing, right??
Well this is my fear, it’s what I struggle with. This idea I’ve got in my head that being myself won’t be good enough. So I tell myself, not only is this not true, but it doesn’t matter. I should create what I like, what speaks to me, simply because I want to. And then if perchance someone likes it enough to buy it, then what an awesome perk to have made that thing. That’s probably not a very sound business strategy, but it certainly helps me out during my launch day panic attacks.
Even now, as I’m getting ready to send this to Krystle, I’m telling myself that my fear confession is too short. That everyone will be like, “Why is this so short?” Because that matters, right? I think I need someone to follow me around and hit me in the head with a frying pan every time I doubt myself, and then press send for me. I can’t doubt myself if I’m not conscious.
Kasey Kuchinski graduated from fashion school in Los Angeles, and then, being the reasonable person she is, packed up her whole life and moved to France. There she found herself working in graphic design, and discovered things in her that she never knew existed. When she arrived back home, she found the courage to open up her children’s clothing line, Cauliflower Kids. She once went to a psychic who told her she’d probably end up in a mental hospital. Kasey sees how that could be true. She’s also not that good at writing autobiographies.
Image credit: Kasey Kuchinski