Somewhere along the way, things shifted. Confidence turned into self-doubt. Attention? As little as possible, please. The long blond hair that had received whistles of approval was chopped off one rainy afternoon. Fearing the pain of rejection more than ever, the seemingly confident and at times brazen girl turned into an incredibly shy version of herself, trying to make her invisible and rejecting herself more than she had ever been by anyone else. It was a painful time.
At age 33 I’m finally becoming more comfortable with myself, but the fear of rejection still lurks around. It was with me this morning when I posted on Facebook. It attempts to hover over me right now, as I’m writing this post. And as an adult it has led to more hours spent on work than play, due to the high expectations I have in myself.
So how do I deal with it? There are still times when I succumb to the fear, let it make decisions for me. But lately I’ve been pushing myself more to face the uncomfortable. Despite the fear. I acknowledge those waves of angst and insecurity, but don’t grant them the power I used to. Instead, I tend to the things that are important to me, and try to find affirmation from within rather than from others.
Lisa Sperling was born and raised in Germany, and moved to the U.S. in 2005. On her blog Joycreation she shares snippets of her journey towards a more intentional, creative way of life. Lisa recently founded “Sparrow Design Haus”, a one-woman web design business that’s on a mission to beautify the web one site at a time (her web site launches in March).
Fear Confessions is a series of essays by creatives who share personal stories about facing their fears. It’s a celebration of vulnerability.