I’m afraid of my body.

I’m afraid of my body.

To be more specific, I am afraid of the untimely death of my body.

I’m afraid that my body will fail me. That it will, despite my efforts to care for it, give up and become another causality of my bright and beautiful – yet frail – genetic code.

I’m afraid that the abnormalities of my parents’ bodies are alive and kicking inside mine; waiting for the perfect moment to wreak havoc on my system and life. I’m afraid that those same abnormalities skipped a generation and will take my daughter instead of me.

I’m afraid of my body.

I witnessed my father’s last breath at 12, and helped the hospice nurse prepare my mother for the coroner at 25. The strength that those moments took seem so small in comparison to dealing with the fear of a similar fate.

I’m afraid of my body.

Yet …

I love my body.

I love that when I treat it well, it treats me back. That when I overindulge, it forgives me; and when I forget to feed it, it gently reminds me.

I love that it fits so perfectly – so comfortably – with his. That its arms are long enough to wrap around him and hold him close.

I love that after seven years of trying, it said yes to pregnancy. That it nourished our babe until apples and yogurt won her over. That it is strong enough to carry her sweet, sleeping body to bed.

I love that when I am tired, it rests without a fight. That it willingly takes me anywhere I desire to go. That although it has some broken and achy parts, it dances to the music…and to the silence.

I love my body.

I love that although it knows I am afraid of it, it still encourages me to trust it. Not forever – but in this moment.

And I do.

Darice is one half of Pauselius: a creative studio serving indie businesses through holistic design. Together with her husband, Matt, they are a jack + jill of many trades; students of life; and eager explorers … most recently of linocuts + block printing.

You can also find Darice on FacebookTwitterInstagram and Pinterest.

Krystle: Isn’t it amazing how we can be both afraid and in love with something at the same time? It’s all in our perception. I admire your courage and decision to love your body. Our bodies are unpredictable, yes, but they’re also capable of immense strength, and you’ve reminded us that it all starts with trust.

Fear Confessions is a series of essays by creatives who share personal stories about facing their fears. It’s a celebration of vulnerability.

  1. Krystle, the illustration is just wonderful…I love it. Truly. Thank you so much for giving us all a place to share our fears + grow in understanding. <3

  2. Darice you are so beautifully written and brave to share, thank you for sharing this story with us-it gives so much insight into the growth of your compassion and presence. These fears that our bodies might fail us and take us away from those we love seem to sharpen as soon as we hold our babies-life becomes infinitely more precious and finite. I’ll be adding my voice to the universe to keep all your bodies safe and strong until you are old and grey! I love you!

  3. I meant to write it was so beautifully written-but you are beautifully written too ;)