This is one of many Fear Confessions in which creatives share personal stories about facing their fears. Let’s celebrate vulnerability with Janelle Hardy as she shares her fear of having faith in anything bigger than herself.
It’s a recent discovery of mine that this fear of having faith in anything bigger than myself has been a driving force in my life. And what I’m learning (as I start letting go of the need to hold it together) is that there’s a cauldron of even more fears on top of it.
If I gave in to all of the fears that come up, I’d be an insane, broke, slutty hot mess who has lost her grip on reality. (Secretly, I do want to be more of a slutty hot mess, it sounds kinda fun, but, again, scary).
I’m not sure how it’s come about, but I do think that being a self-employed, single mother has something to do with this feeling that I need to always hold it together. To be responsible and not rely on anyone or anything else.
The irony is that even thought I try, I can’t do everything on my own. I just end up feeling that life is lonely and isolated. So I’ve been working on learning how to trust and have more faith in the world, and in myself. It’s a good, yet scary journey so far.
I fear that if I start to trust, I’ll lose my grip on the worries and anxieties that I’ve been using to feel a sense of stability (yes, really).
I’m afraid that if I start to have faith in others I’ll become someone that no one can relate to. I’ll be connected to myself but I won’t be able to connect to others. I’ll start swimming in a sea, but I’ll be the only one in it. I’ll feel isolated and I won’t make any sense at all.
I’m afraid if I trust something bigger that myself that I’ll be deeply disappointed. I’ll fall flat on my face, ending up embarrassed and back where I started. Oh my. Fears everywhere.
And, as I write this, I’m also noticing that I’m feeling less bound by my fears. Because I am starting to care less about being functional in our society and what people think of me. That worries me.
Am I going to fall apart and unravel completely? How will I support my daughter and myself if that happens? And then this train of thought cycles back into the fears above. There is also something about voicing fears; it defuse their powers. I realize I’m not dreaming big enough if I can’t see a way to be more than my fears.
The only thing I find useful is to follow the internal guidance that has led me to start pursuing my art and using my intuition/sensitivity, even as it leads me into the unraveling I so badly want, as much as I’m so afraid to face it.
Janelle Hardy is an artist living on Vancouver Island in Canada with her sparky daughter. She believes deeply in embodied creativity and loves writing. Her time is spent making art and offering up weekly Devotional Paintings (unique intuitive guidance) as well as monthly Letters From Vancouver Island snail-mail subscriptions. Her art has been described as soulful and has brought people to both laughter and tears. She loves learning, and holds a BA in Anthropology, an MA in Dance as well as a diploma in Hellerwork Structural Integration.
Image credit: Janelle Hardy